Mother's Guilt

There is something that can weaken any mother, no matter how strong they are - like kryptonite to Superman. Mother's guilt.

I can take on some tough people at work - high stress situations - long hours - presentation to large groups. Get me home with my 6 year old and have him tell me I travel too much for work. Mother's guilt sits on my shoulder.

Try to put my two boys down for a nap and not succeed after several attempts and threats. Mother's guilt grabs a 3 lb weight on my shoulder.

Have my 1 1/2 year old cry as I am walking out the door to catch a plane for work, continue staring out the screen door banging on it as I get in the car. Guilt just picked up a 10 lb weight and my neck gets a significant kink.

Broken. Weak. Heart hurts in ways you cannot image. Tears inside and out. Immediate questions of whether I am good enough mom. Is my absence going to taint their childhood in a way that will make them bad adults. Kinks in my shoulder and neck from the weight. Sometimes it feels like I cannot stand up straight the guilt is so heavy on my shoulder.

Then the breaks go on SSCCRREEAACCHH I have not traveled for work in almost 10 weeks. It is amazing the thought that if I am not there my boys will not be okay. I am blessed to have an amazing husband that is more amazing then he realizes and is a great role model for my boys. The realization hits - they are going to be okay and so am I. The economy in my life does not allow me be with my boys all the time I want to be. But I make sure I am present in all ways when we are together.

Why do we do this to ourselves moms? I think it is in our DNA and I have heard it does not go away with age. I had hope that as they get older this would get better but the elders in my life assure me it doesn't. And sometimes it gets worse. So I am planning on being with my sons as much as I can after this short trip and then going to a message therapist on Thursday. Maybe she can work off some of that guilt.